i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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