I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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