Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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