In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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