I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I need to calm my uterus...
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
