Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
