Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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