Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
