all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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