he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
