I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
