wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
