My balls are so social today.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
