her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
