i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
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