when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
