You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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