Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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