I like my sex mixed with concussions.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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