I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
