just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
