listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
