seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
