Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
