dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
My life is pants optional.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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