i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
