dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
