Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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