You're earring is so big in my mouth
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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