So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
