yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
