If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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