Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
