I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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