Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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