Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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