So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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