My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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