i wish there were pregnant emoticons
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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