we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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