I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
