Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
