you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
