just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
