I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
