The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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