I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
