Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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