Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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