I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
